Apple Sticker Hate

I love my iPhone. It is a great little thing made of plastic and metal and black magic. What bugs me, though, is how it came with two white Apple logo stickers. I don't recall signing a contract with Apple to provide free marketing (beyond using their phone in public while being such a chic mom, of course). It feels a little presumptuous, like they thought they were doing me a favor by providing the stickers for me to emblazon across my life, as if I wanted to trumpet my loyalty to their brand. I don't. I want to use my iPhone, but I don't want to use the stickers like some Steve Jobs's-embalming-fluid-Kool-aid-drinker.

psh.

To advertise not the Apple brand, but the resentment I now hold for their stickers, I've been brainstorming ironic places to put them. Here are my ideas:

-The back pocket of some mom jeans. Maybe I could pair the jeans with a black turtleneck to complete the look.

-Walmart toilet. Preferably clogged. If I'm lucky it will come off and adhere to someone's muffin top.

- The tub of witch hazel hemorrhoid pads I got when I had Graham (they have multiple uses, no judging)

Super cool(ing)

-The abandoned Kroger shopping cart in the yard a block away

-Kim Jong-un's Trapper Keeper

-An enormous diamond at the end of a necklace around Kate Middleton's neck

-A jar of moldy cinnamon applesauce

-The crumbly loaf of crock pot soap I botched yesterday

Sad, sad, little soap loaf. Not even Apple can save you.

-Use as a stencil for a lower-back tattoo

-I wish I could find someone who broke their arm, or leg, in a really stupid or embarrassing way, and then I would put the sticker on their cast and sign it, "An Apple for a Dummy."

-Use as a belly button lint protection patch:

Not my stomach.

So boo on you, Apple marketing team! Take your free stickers and put them on your grannies' pressure stockings!